She will free herself from herself
A heroine's journey.
My piece today is directly inspired by the always thoughtful and refreshingly insightful writing of
. It was this post of his in particular that did it:
While reading it with my morning coffee, I felt the stirring of a response deep within me. It was that all too familiar and wonderful feeling born of welcoming in an entirely new perspective and way of seeing the world. An expansion of consciousness by way of looking through the eyes of another.
Coleman’s post was at heart a beautiful acknowledgement of those who have chosen to take the higher, harder road. For those who are busy juggling all of life’s demands while continuing to show up every day as responsible citizens and highly functional members of a society and just keep grinding. In his eyes, we are “walking through fire”. He writes:
Yet here you are choosing every day to be good people. You make a conscious decision to do the right thing over and over and over even though it's almost never easier. You choose the stress and hardships over being a dirt bag. That's fucking mind blowing.
I appreciate the acknowledgement and I love his message. And I have no doubt that to all his readers it will be a lovely surprise and will be well-received.
the context
Once I read and understood the point he was making, I began to comtemplate how it applies specifically to me and the arc of my life. I reflected on my relationship to the ‘grind’ of our society and the expectations that we all must work 40+ hours a week just in order to survive and get by. I’ve certainly done my share of what I would consider to be ‘grind’ jobs. I’ve been a dish-washer, a full-time cashier at Costco, and I’ve pounded the pavement on non-stop 13 hour serving shifts at a busy waterfront Toronto restaurant patio during tourist season. I am a great employee, have never been fired, and have worked countless hours in support of other people’s dreams while suffering the burning need to tend to my own. This has been my fire to walk through.
My grind has always been how to balance working day-jobs with nurturing my soul.
Through many changes and chapters, I’ve had to stay in listening distance of the calling of my dream, and to be the one who keeps pushing herself forward.
I am the heroine coming to save me.
Once upon a time, I was living in Forest Hill on Spadina Road in Toronto with my boyfriend. We had moved from Vancouver to Toronto and were starting a new life together. Needing employment ASAP, I quickly landed a retail sales position at RK, a lady’s clothing store around the corner from our new apartment. Perfect. I could walk to work and avoid the commute that most other Torontonians see as a natural and necessary part of their lives. Me being me, I can’t stand manouevering around the subway tunnels during any kind of rush hour. I always feel like a cow in a herd and can often be heard ‘moo-ing” aloud until I’ve ridden the escalator up and back out into the freshness and freedom of solitude again.
I digress.
This day-job was easy to take at first because like ALL of my jobs it was just there to support me so I can do what I really love to do: make music. For the most part, the clientele were very wealthy women shopping for new things to adopt and I simply functioned as a pleasant chaperone for their shopping experience. Easy peasy. Most importantly, I got to listen to whatever music I wanted in the store. And because I worked alone I could play and sing songs as loudly as I wanted. Bonus.
Eventually, as with all of my expendable jobs, something started to shift. Where once this job was bearable it soon elicited feelings of great unease. Being there was so un-enlivening and un-expansive that I began to feel suffocated and smothered by the oppressive air of that space. I was a lion in a cage. Safe, secure, but not free.
It was the worst when business was slow. There were days during winter where the door wouldn’t open even once all day save for me going out to get yet another coffee to keep me company. My soul was slowly crushing as my heartbeat was the second-hand ticking off the passing time with every breath. I had to walk through the fire that was put there for me to come out the other side a warrior.
So I started to bring my guitar to work. I HAD to. And I started to write.
I soon wrote a song called Tidal Wave. It was born of my growing need to break out of my current shape and obliterate myself into the wide open expanse of the ocean of possibilities. And it was born in the very shop that led to its conception.
The lyrics explore the idea of duality, the necessity of contrast to inspire growth, and the recognition that “shit grows roses”. Breakdown to breakthrough. My current reality was an uncomfortable one because pain is a messenger. A signal meant to draw my attention. Taking the action of writing the song was the answer, the remedy. It aligned me back with my purpose, empowering me with my mojo, and accelerated my ability to make a new choice. To take the leap and re-pot myself in new fertile soil where new wisdom lay buried, awaiting excavation….
….fast forward twenty years and I am now living by making my own way. No more ‘day-job’ needed. It seems obvious now as to how to do it but I didn’t have the tools back then that I have now. As I said in my note to Coleman, entrepreneurialism was my chosen path to making a good living while captaining my own ship and maintaining my creative freedom. I am proud of myself that I am still writing music and performing live. I am excited for each day new because now I just surf the waves.
the song
I present to you two versions of Tidal Wave.
The first is a live performance from a residency night I had at C’est What. I really like this version as I had recently made the switch from acoustic guitar to performing it on my hollow-body electric and was excited about the gritty bluesy flavourings added to the song due to playing it through my tube amp. They beautifully match the mood and emotion of the song.
This second is a version my band-mate Rob produced. It was the version my band and I would play live for a short time. Guitars, double-bass, keys, percussion make it a fun little recording. It was released on a CD produced in 2005.
The 2005 We Are Rich album recording:
I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you feel think in the comments.
the words
When it’s good it’s great
When it’s bad it’s always gets bettter
It’s the shit that grows the roses
the downs that take you through
Every story told
is the same old story
About a hero trying to free himself from his self
It’s the tidal wave coming around again
teaching me to break and not just bend
It’s the tidal wave coming around again teaching me to break
Well I’m designed to be resigned to stay the same and never change
I’m designed to be resigned to play it safe and never change
When it’s good it’s great
When it’s bad it can only get better
It’s the shit that grows the roses
the breakdowns that break you through
Every story told
is the same old story
About a heroine who will free herself from herself
Well I’m designed to be resigned to stay the same and never change
I’m designed to be resigned to play it safe and never change
I’ve decided not to hide it and I’m jumpin on that wave
I’ve decided just to ride it so I’m breakin like that wave….
It’s the tidal wave coming around again
teaching me to break and not just bend
It’s the tidal wave coming around again teaching me to break
So I’m making my own way….
Thank you so much for popping by to read and listen. I so appreciate your time and welcome any comments or thoughts you have.
be great,
love Jacqueline xo
I love this music... beautiful such talent
why do we need suffering to get to this beauty? We don't. That's the trick... overcome it.
We are magicians. Does shit grow roses.. well, dead and decay grows roses.. so let's let go of what doesn't work anymore. who is the chorus? is that all your voice? I love it!!!
"My grind has always been how to balance working day-jobs with nurturing my soul."
That's cool, but there is no real balance for most people to had, lots of jobs will take everything from you and ask you to give more. And everyone cannot be an entrepreneur in our society or capitalism implodes. So while some people get a respite from our system of slavery with a few extra steps, there's no possibility that it's an option for everyone or even most people or even over 10-15% max.
Admirable what you've done. But I wanted to just dispel the illusions we're running under that one just has to try a little harder and it will work out for them. For a bunch of people the only way out is for this system to radically change.