The end of an era is a time to begin.

Sunday Sonic Sparkle #5

Jan 14, 2024

As I sit to write this post, I can see a bright orange glow gradually introduce itself to the waking sky. The SUN. For just the second time in months I can actually see the sun well enough to watch it as it rises. I know, I know- big deal, right?

Funny how something so ever-present can also be seen as something so incredibly rare. It’s been a dark winter here where I am in Southern Ontario. It’s been much like what I imagine living in a cave would be like. Or rather it’s more like living inside of a damp raincloud.

Dim, grey, dull.

Today the shine of the sun is a gift.

A new day is dawning.

And as it greets me with its fresh light and warmth it delivers to me a message:

“In this new day, Jacqueline, anything is possible.”

It’s so easy for me, for any of us, to take for granted the cycle of sleeping and waking, moving from one day into the next like it’s not a big deal. Routine can accompany us like the well-worn pair of slippers we wear while tracing the steps of yesterday. Most of the time, I don’t even know what day it is. I just get up, and live.

But this all changes when you’re in pain. When you’re experiencing a loss.

An ending.

You can’t help but keep count of the days as they pass, slowly but surely. Taking measure of the distance that grows, separating you further and further from the thing that happened back then, or from the place or person that you left behind.

Today, I’m feeling inspired to share a very personal recording with you.

So much change has happened, IS happening so quickly.

The spiral is tightening. The waves are getting rocky out there.

Unless you stay limber, bend at the knees, and learn to ride them, they can break you.

If you are experiencing a time of difficult change, I dedicate this piece to you, my friend. I hope for you it is a song that lends to your resilience.

It was surely the thing that led me to mine.

the context

Some of you know some of my story, most of you don’t.

In June of 2021, my 10 year long relationship ended and I moved away to live in a new city. I had called Toronto my home for 16 years. Now I was starting my life anew in a time of heavily enforced lockdowns. The usual pathways to meet and greet new people and to explore a new city were not open to me. Nor was my go-to modality for grounding and soothing myself- music.

Because music was something my ex and I shared so deeply, so intimately, I couldn’t listen to a lot of my records and couldn’t even touch my guitar for almost a whole year into my newfound solitude in single-hood. It was just too painful to play. Too painful to sing. Too painful to access that sensitive part of myself.

I had some healing to do first.

It wasn’t until about 10 months later, after living through an autumnal dark night of the soul, a winter of hibernating and incubating with memories and reflections, and a springtime of hours spent dreaming of ways to move forward, that I was finally able to pick up my guitar and write a song. More accurately, it wrote itself into being, so easily capturing every mixed feeling and thought I had into one cohesive breath, weaving into a cathartic expression for me to fully exhale, to release.

To forgive.

To evolve.

To move forward.

(It’s no accident that when a recording artist puts out a new track or a new album that it’s called a “release”. That truly is what it is.)

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the recording

In June of 2022, a couple weeks after writing A Time To Begin, I was invited to play at a birthday party for a well-respected man who had been a powerful connector during our Canadian Covid Experience, let’s call it. He was responsible for creating an Ontario business directory resource and for bringing many people together. It was a balm for those of us who badly needed to connect with new friends and to find a new family of kindred spirits. I don’t doubt that for many he was a life-saver. This celebration event was to have some live performers during dinner to be followed by a DJ and dancing for dessert. Not only would it be my first time in a social setting with this many people since the ‘before-times’, it would also be my first real gig since 2018. Nervous, yes, but oh so ready, I went away for the weekend to enjoy a real human gathering, with real live music, and with real birthday cake.

Upon returning back home Sunday night from the gig, and while carrying my guitar back upstairs to my studio, I became aware that a subtle shift had occurred. It felt like something deep inside me had been fed- no, nourished back to life. My musical soul was reawakening. Releasing into a sigh of deep gratification, I was still feeling raw- yes, and vulnerable- very, but nonetheless I welcomed the discomfort of rebirth, of being split wide open as I stepped out of my cocoon and spread my wings, ready to begin again…

This recording is live off the floor and recorded with one mic, save for the addition of some vocal harmonies. I left my gear set up the way it had been for my rehearsals. That night, I wasn’t fussy about technique or production. I was never intending to share it with anyone. I had only one desire- to capture a frequency, an alchemical anomaly that was destined to fade out of existence before long. More than anything, my goal was to take an auditory snapshot of a time, of a place, of a feeling. I wanted to record this song while I was still in touch with the pain that inspired me to write it in the first place.

For it’s true that time heals all wounds.

And I knew now, coming back from that party, that I was well on the road to feeling more and more like myself. I was walking a path of healing that was leading me away from the deepest part of my pain; away from looking backwards at the end of an era. I was now facing forwards, standing inside a now that felt like a new beginning.

the song

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the words

Am I gonna sleep well at night

Am I gonna wake with the light

Am I ever gonna know if I did it right

What was up is down

World has gone full clown

Everything’s inverted and upside down

So where do we go from here?

Ten years came and went

Ten years time well spent

Truthfully I will never be the same

Ten months on our own

Oh, how much we’ve grown

I still really miss you but something is perfect, too

So where do we go from here?

We go onwards and upwards, together

All the way to the end

Another end of an era

Is the best time to begin.

We go onwards and upwards forever

All the way to the end

Another end of another era

Is another chance to begin.

thank you

Thank you so much for your precious time and attention. I appreciate you reading what I wrote and listening to my music.

Please feel free to share your stories with me. I’d love to hear them.

We are all connected.

To depict just how connected we are here’s a sweet story of serendipity from today.

The beautiful

Charlotte Pendragon

left a comment on my post celebrating 100 subscribers.

Writes The Charlotte Pendragon Diaries…

Congratulations Jacqueline! I relate much to you. I have been in isolation and seclusion myself for the last 10 years. Of course it doesn’t help that I live 15 minutes from civilization. Like yourself subs deck has helped me reconnect to people and especially connecting to beautiful individuals like yourself who bring much meaning in spiritual significance to life. Blessings to you! Onward and upward! Champagne 🥂

At that exact same time, I was writing up this post and typing the words for the chorus of the song:

We go onwards and upwards, together
All the way to the end

Don’t you just love those serendipities?!

Goosebumps and tingles all over.

Magic.

This pulsating electric web of intuitive connectivity speaks to why I choose to share my personal songs & stories of my life & growth with you. We are all healing mirrors for one another, and together we heal through infinite reflections of truth and of love.

May we each catch a glimpse of the sun at the times we need light, and feel warmed by its promise of possibility.

May our endings pave the way for fruitful beginnings.